The Innocence of Death Read online

  Somehow, I managed to exhale and let out a low whimper. That made everything hurt more.

  A figure appeared in my line of sight and I realised that I could, actually, see. The figure slipped my glasses on my nose and the world became clearer. Everything was white. Startlingly white, like a brand new hospital with all the lights turned on. Except for the figure staring down at me, which made it all the more terrifying. It was small and misshapen. Its head resembled a squat pumpkin, except it was a strange shade of green. Its eyes were bright yellow bulbs with slits like a goat and its ears pointed outwards from its head like some sort of weird elf.

  “Ah, you are awake,” it rasped in a strange voice with an even stranger accent, like it had swallowed a Russian dictionary in Jamaica. It showed an unhealthy number of pointed teeth. I whimpered again and somehow managed to avoid a new wave of excruciating pain. “And you made the transition surprisingly well! Not many humans can stand to have their life-force ripped from them.”

  “Urghlgrlgl?” I tried to ask.

  The creature spread its lips in a grin, showing even more teeth.

  “Yes, you are doing very well indeed! Most would not be able to speak for days.” The creature moved out of my line of sight. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t move my head to follow it, so I listened. There was clinking, scraping over wood. I thought I heard the sound of claws at one point. None of this, whatever it was, made me feel any better. In fact, I’m fairly certain I was about to be drawn into the throes of a panic attack. If I could move to have a panic attack, that was.

  The creature appeared again, this time much closer than it had been. I screamed—or groaned, which in my state was much the same thing—and the creature grinned wider. “Now, now, none of that. You’re in good hands, you are. Old Doctor Graveltoes will take care of you. Best in Elsewhere, that’s right!”

  Nothing in that speech made any sense to me. I opened my mouth to protest louder and hopefully draw someone else’s attention. The moment I did, this Graveltoes thing poured a warm liquid down my throat. It tasted of dirt and spoiled potatoes. I gagged, but considering I was completely prone, had no choice but to swallow it or suffocate.

  The effect was immediate. The tingling in my limbs lessened and my headache felt less like a hammer and more like a tiny needle. I felt that I could actually move my joints, though not far. The world suddenly seemed clearer.

  Which was about the point that I remembered just what I had done to bring me here.

  I had made a deal with Death.

  I couldn’t go back to my life. Everything I knew was gone. I was way, way out of my element.

  I opened my mouth to scream again, but Graveltoes put a hand over my mouth. Its skin was slick and cold.

  “Yes, your understanding returns.” Graveltoes nodded sagely. I turned my head to look fully at the spindly creature and it nodded. “Good, good. Another dose in an hour, and you’ll be right as rain. The Master wants to see you. Sent me in to make certain you were fit for visiting.”

  I struggled to sit up and take some control of the situation. Graveltoes clucked like an old woman and helped me. “Where…?” was about all I could manage.

  “Give it time, human,” the creature said, rolling its bulbous eyes with impatience. “Always rushing about. You’d think you were going to die at any moment.”

  Graveltoes started laughing violently and had to go support itself by the white wall to keep from falling over. I frowned, wanting to roll my eyes myself. My head still hurt too much for that. Thankfully, we were interrupted before the creature could make any more terrible jokes, or pour any more foul liquid down my throat.

  The door—one I hadn’t noticed before on the opposite wall—opened, letting Death in. Maybe it was because the room was so white, or because we were in Death’s realm—so I presumed, at least—but his skin seemed blacker than usual. Though, I didn’t tremble in fear, so at least we were making progress. Shadows wreathed themselves around him and trailed behind him. He still wore the immaculate three-piece suit. This time, though, I noticed the Italian leather shoes and the neat red trim at the cuffs of his jacket. Death, believe it or not, was a dandy.

  “You are recovering. Good,” he said, striding into the room.

  Graveltoes grovelled at Death’s feet, twisting his shoulders while looking at Death in some sort of strange, twisted bow. “I have given the human the draught. He improves.”

  “Good. You may go,” Death waved a hand. Graveltoes bowed deeper and slipped out of the room, closing the door. It was probably a sign of my mental disturbance that I found being alone with Death more comforting than being with that gremlin-goblin creature thing, doctor or not.

  Death pulled a chair up and sat beside the bed. I was fairly certain the chair hadn’t been there before, but I wasn’t going to say anything. Not that I could say anything. My throat continued to remain closed.

  “I trust you are improving?” Death said, as though he didn’t know. I worked my jaw and swallowed, trying to make my voice work.

  “What… happened?” I staggered out, my voice sounding rough even to my own ears. I really wanted some water, but there was none in sight. Only more of that dreadful liquid, which I hoped never to taste again.

  “I stripped you of your life-force, replacing it with my own power. You had to be bound to me in order to enter my domain without issue. Most immortals would have few problems, but humans are notoriously fragile.”

  I glared. He could have warned me.

  “If I had warned you, it would not have made things any more pleasant,” Death said with a casual shrug. Great, now he was a mind reader. “You made the deal willingly. That will lessen the aftereffects greatly. Another few hours and you should be able to walk around. I will send someone to fetch you and bring you to my realm, then.”

  “Am I…dead?” I managed. Death smiled and shook his head, the shadows moving with him.

  “You are not dead, per se. Neither are you alive. You have, essentially, become an immortal without having the usual magic in your blood. Were I a master of Time, then you would be simply…stuck. As it is, you simply are. No more, no less.” Death waved his long fingers and I felt the last traces of my former self quaver.

  I wasn’t dead. I wasn’t alive. Did that mean I couldn’t die, either? Would I age? No, it sounded like I was going to remain precisely as I was, in the prime of my, well, life. That was, in some sense, very cool. It was what so many people dreamed of. What doctors worked endlessly for. But it was also the only part of my life I still had. I couldn’t visit my friends, my family, any of it. They would all think I was dead—or worse, that I might never have existed. And now my humanity was being taken from me, too.

  I clenched my jaw. No. I might not be mortal anymore, but I was still human. I had to be. Right?

  “I can see the implications of our deal were not quite fully realised upon sealing,” Death said, turning his vacant eyes on me. “There will be a period of adjustment, I would imagine.”

  “Where…are we?” My voice was slightly clearer. My mind, though, refused to dwell on the metaphysical realities of my new existence. It was far easier to focus on the mundane, such as where I was, or what that thing Graveltoes was.

  “This room is part of the hospital. Doctor Graveltoes oversees the patients. Given that he mostly has to deal with such creatures as do not get sick or die except by some extreme circumstance, he was quite eager to meet you,” Death said. “Doctors are, as you might expect, not terribly common amongst the immortal or the magical.”

  I waited, not encouraged that I was a source of curiosity to Graveltoes.

  “As to the rest, we are in Elsewhere.”

  “Sorry?” I coughed. Death waved his hand and a glass of water—with a re-useable straw, even—appeared. I took it eagerly, doing my best to ignore the strain as I moved.

  “Elsewhere. It is the land of the immortals—as opposed to the mortal realms, where I found you—a land of magic and everything that humanity has f
orgotten. Some call it Avalon, some call it the spirit world, but it is all the same place. It touches the mortal realms in significant points in time and space. Some of it exists tangentially to your own world, some does not. You will find many familiar things here—like your social media—and many more unfamiliar. My realm occupies but a small portion of Elsewhere.”

  “But you’re Death,” I said, sipping more water. “Shouldn’t you control all the souls? Like the Underworld or the afterlife or whatever?”

  Death threw back his head and laughed. The sound was highly unusual, like receiving an electric shock. All the hair on my body stood on end and I was fairly certain that my heart stopped for a moment. It wasn’t beautiful. Nor did it fill me with a feeling of joy or pleasure or elation. It was, frankly, mildly terrifying.

  “My dear human,” Death grinned, pulling a finger under his empty eye socket as though he were wiping away tears. “I am not responsible for the souls of those who die! I cause death. I am called a ferryman, though even that is not accurate. I am a transition, a state of being, an event. What happens afterwards is something far more complex and personal and powerful. Even I am not privy to the mysteries of that!”

  He chuckled for a moment longer and I tried to force my heart rate down. This job was going to be a lot more complicated than I thought.

  “I’m sure you have more questions, but I have duties to attend to,” Death flicked his wrist, almost like checking a watch. He wasn’t wearing a watch. “I will send your assistant to you and she can get you acquainted with your duties and the Elsewhere. I will have transportation sent once Doctor Graveltoes decides you are fit. We will have time later to discuss things more thoroughly.”

  “Uh…okay,” I said, suddenly feeling very tired. The glass of water I was holding vanished, as did the chair Death was sitting on. Death strode to the door in his strange, graceful glide. He didn’t turn back as he left. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to do so.

  —

  I woke some time later with the uncomfortable feeling that I was being watched. I opened my eyes and adjusted my glasses, blinking to clear the blurriness away. I yelped.

  Sure enough, I was being watched. Closely.

  This creature was built along the lines of an American football running-back: massive shoulders, thick neck, a head that could probably go through a brick wall. The creature’s skin was a deep grey colour, pebbled with what looked like beads that made a shimmering effect under the white light. It was completely bald and had oversized, twisted features. A squashed nose, blinking great eyes reflecting bright greenish-yellow, a brow line that would have looked suitable on a sculpture of early humans. I saw all of this in great detail, but could see no more of the creature because it was leaning disturbingly close to my bed. And my face.

  After I jerked away with my yelp, the creature straightened and grinned, revealing an incongruous set of perfectly straight and slightly blinding teeth. “Ah, you are awake! I wasn’t sure how long you would sleep. How long do humans normally sleep?”

  “Er, about eight hours a night,” I replied, completely flummoxed. Honestly, how do you reply differently to that question. “Sorry, who are you?”

  “I am Yolanda. Your assistant. Death assigned me to help you,” the creature said, nodding firmly. I took another look and sure enough, this creature was built along the lines of a female. A massive one. Who could probably squish me like a bug. I closed my eyes and swallowed, taking a moment.

  I looked at Yolanda again. “Sorry…I don’t mean to be rude, but what are you?”

  Yolanda laughed, the sound nothing like Death’s laugh. It was loud, boisterous, a bit deep, and remarkably human. There was some relief in that. “You are not rude, human, you are ignorant! There is a difference. I am a troll.”

  “A troll,” I repeated somewhat weakly. Death was one thing. A troll? Something else entirely.

  “Rock troll. Not like those cave trolls. They’re nasty, they are. They think anything that walks above ground is a waste of space. And they’re mean when they can’t find enough food.” Yolanda rolled her eyes. My goodness, she sounded almost exactly like my old assistant Rachel. The same gossipy conversation, the same amount of over information. It was so bizarre.

  “Right,” I tried to smile, but it was about as weak as my voice. “Um, I’m Cal. It’s good to meet you.”

  Yolanda took my hand and shook it firmly, which felt like all my bones were being squished together. “You think I’m ugly and scary. Most humans do. But you will learn. There are things that are far more dangerous than a troll. And I’m a good worker. I know all about computers. Python, Java, web design, all of it. I even hacked into the vampire wifi once, just to see if I could.”

  I let out a chuckle, surprised by the honesty of the sound. “Yolanda, I think we’ll get on just fine.”

  She beamed at me.

  Graveltoes approved me for getting on with my new job about ten minutes after Yolanda woke me up. I swallowed down another of those vial draughts and my headache was nearly gone. Yolanda helped me out of bed and we tottered out of the white room and into a building that looked much the same as any human hospital, minus the patients. Also, there were shields splattered in blood on the walls. About the time we reached the sliding doors, I was walking steadily, if slowly, on my own. Yolanda pointed eagerly down to the street, where Death said his transportation would meet us.

  I had sort of expected a ghostly carriage with spectral horses, perhaps with fire coming out of their noses or their skeletons showing through. If not that, then maybe a hearse, driven by a solemn and probably dead chauffeur. What I did not expect was a 1920s style Rolls Royce Phantom, with a lean looking chauffeur leaning against it. This chauffeur looked perfectly normal: black suit, shoes, human face and body.

  Maybe it was that one instance of normality, but I nearly sagged to the ground in relief. I wasn’t in a world surrounded by monsters and inhuman things that I had no name for. I was in a place that was different—wildly so—but still had things like cars and perfectly normal chauffeurs. For all I knew, he was another human like me, dragged to this world at the Instant of Death.

  Then, the chauffeur lifted his head and I saw his eyes. Empty with twin blue flames where the eyes should be. It wasn’t like Death, where the emptiness held power and vast amounts of it. They weren’t even truly empty sockets. There was just fire where the eyes should be. And it was with hunger that the chauffeur looked at Yolanda and myself.

  I let out a whimper, barely audible, as we slid into the back seat of the car. At least, I thought it was barely audible. The chauffeur lifted his eyebrows in surprise and loomed over the door. Yolanda just shrugged her massive shoulders, patting me on the leg. “He’s human. New to Elsewhere. Doesn’t know a troll from a goblin.”

  “I see,” the chauffeur said. His voice was like ice, sending a shiver up my spine. I took a deep breath. I had to be polite. I had to win these people over. How could I be a good marketing agent if I couldn’t even do that? That was my job, now. My purpose. My only tie to everything I had left behind.

  And I failed miserably. I couldn’t manage a smile or a polite nod of the head. All I managed to do was stare, wide-eyed, at my hands. I could barely control the trembling. The chauffeur, thank goodness, didn’t seem bothered by this. He just closed the door and walked around to the front of the car.

  “Wraiths are always a bit difficult,” Yolanda said, patting me on the knee again. “They have such a hard time controlling their hunger.”

  “Hunger for what?” My voice came out as a squeak.

  “Life,” she said with a shrug. “That’s why they work for Death. No one else would have them. But they’re not all bad. Yggdral there is one of the nicest I know. Well, except for that lapse on Christmas. The staff was never quite the same after that.”

  I was silent. What could I say to that? I was trembling in my shoes and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Only thing was, I had to figure it out quickly or things were going to
end very badly indeed for the late Cal Thorpe. I had to get a grip on myself. This was all insane—there was no doubt—but it was also my new existence. I had been brought here for a particular purpose, and right now I was letting myself down. I needed to adapt. Quickly. What happened if I accidentally offended someone because I didn’t know what was going on? Would that offence result in my actual death? Could Death even stop that? If I were so stupid as to do something like that, I wasn’t certain Death would bother to stop it.

  “Yolanda,” I said slowly, looking up from my hands about ten minutes into the drive, once I managed to get some deep breathing in. “Is there some sort of guide I can read to Elsewhere?”

  Yolanda tilted her head. “No one’s ever bothered to write it down. Or been allowed to. Lots of races have their little secrets, you know, and they don’t like others knowing about it. Take us rock trolls. I don’t mind telling you, because you wouldn’t use it against us, right?”

  “No, of course not!” I widened my eyes to reassure her. As far as I was concerned, trolls were about the nicest people I had met so far.

  Yolanda smiled, revealing those strangely straight teeth again. “Well, rock trolls love salt. Salty food, that is. The crystals are useless when they’re not in food. Not even very pretty to look at. You can get some of us to do almost anything for salty food.”

  “Like popcorn?” I tried cracking a smile. I don’t think it broke my face or anything.

  “Exactly like popcorn,” Yolanda said with a fluttery sigh. “But they don’t make it very well here. So many things hate salt in Elsewhere. So we have to sneak over to the mortal realms and steal as much as we can. We get into a lot of trouble that way.”

  “Trouble? Like with the humans seeing you or something? Surely they couldn’t hurt you,” I laughed weakly. Yolanda took the joke and laughed louder, the sound shaking the car. The wraith in the front seat cast a glance over his shoulder. I couldn’t quite tell if he was amused; the fire leaping from his eyes didn’t really make reading him easy.

  “Humans hurt a troll?! Ha! You are so funny!” She shook her massive shoulders and threw her head back. “No, we have to look out for the Guardians. They keep the Elsewhere separate. They’re like your, ah…dentists? People who arrest you and lock you up?”